If you were lucky enough to know Ellen, be friends with her, and be loved by her, you were loved by her unconditionally.  I was that lucky.   I am not sure if loving unconditionally is the greatest thing about her, because I don’t even know where to start with all of her amazing qualities.  She was so much fun and could also be so level-headed.  She wanted the best for those who she loved.  She would be so excited for anyone who got to do something they dreamed of doing.  Genuinely pleased and happy for them.  She’d tell it like it is, because she cared about you.

Ellen and I were closest when our kids were little.  Life was crazy.  She was there when I had a miscarriage.  Had my third child, who just turned 14 yesterday.  She was there when I was so sick.  So sick I almost missed out on life-saving surgery.  She was with me through it all.  We went through it all, together.  The memories of so many beach trips and hanging out, abound! I am so lucky to be her friend.  There are a whole lot of people in this world who never even met her.

Ellen was a sort of interesting combination of my dad and my husband, the really great parts! Music, books, that loving unconditionally thing, smoking pot. (That could be Ellen blog #10 😉 ) Interestingly enough they both adored her and she had quite a bond with them too.

Ellen, of course, had a love for music.  Especially Phish.  I have a wide, wide range of music I listen to and concerts I’ve attended.  Some of them I would say…..endured.  Ellen forgave me my desire to listen to country music.  I did see the Grateful Dead in concert afterall.  I also remember asking her if she had that Greenday music.  Of course, she’d get that for me! We really listened to so much together and yes, she was great at expanding my horizons! There’s that one line in Juno when Ellen Page says “I bought another sonic youth record and it sucked.. its just noise” I cheered in the theater.  Yep, I saw them in concert too.  So she loved me even though I would love some top 40 hit.  I would call her and leave a message because Brass Monkey came on the radio and it just made me think of her.  Ellen and music could be blog #13.

Death is a crazy thing.  We seem to avoid dealing with it head on.  We don’t say “I’m sorry your friend died.”  We say “I’m sorry for your loss.”  Which is true, the loss is great, but also seems to imply something can be found.  I have been trying to respond to people dying more head on and still I am pretty sure I wrote “I’m sorry for your loss” to someone close to Ellen.  I am sorry to everyone that was close to her.  I know how broken your heart is.  I know you wonder why her, even for a second.  I know that every third day is worse than the two before, because something happens to remind you of her in a big way.  I am so sorry our friend died.  I also know that we are all so lucky to be her friend.

Nothing prepares you for how you will feel when someone you love dies.  Even if you’ve been through something similar before.  You don’t know how you will feel, even from day to day.  So collectively we all navigate every death we experience in our own way, with no real tools or rule book.  A few important things to remember are that we have each other, it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to reach out.  We also will survive, however, we might be just a little bit of different person.  It’s okay.  Your true friends will love the new you too!

I am just so lucky to be her friend.  I plan to remember that as often as possible when the sadness comes by.

I am so lucky to be her friend.